Here’s why you should, too.

by Mackenzie Hahn

Dear friends, family, and colleagues,

Yes, it’s true. My former self is gone and is never coming back. We had a good run in 2025, but there’s no point in focusing on the past rather than looking to the future. I’m becoming what I have always wanted to be, and there’s nothing you can say or do that will make me change my mind. 

I’m becoming a snail, and I have a few reasons why. You might think it’s crazy, but if you follow these steps, I can guarantee that 2026 will be your year.

First, a snail has to be moisturized. Snails literally depend on moisturization for survival because most of their body weight is made up of water. Let’s be honest–dry, unhealthy skin is so last year. This is the year of skincare. If it’s a rainy day and you ever need me, don’t call or text. You can find me in the cracks of the sidewalk just wiggling around in the mud. 

Another thing I will be prioritizing this year is eating a variety of fruits and vegetables. Snails are herbivores, so they love to eat nutrient dense foods such as lettuce and cucumber. Not only is fiber important for digestion and gut health, but eating more fruits and vegetables will help me retain more water for hydration. Snails aren’t particularly fond of processed food because it doesn’t offer much nutritional value. This year, I’m ditching eating cardboard boxes for good. Healthy, organic food like moldy raspberries is all I want in my gut microbiome.

A snail’s favorite pastime is to spend time in nature. According to the Institute of Environmental Research and Education, they care about their environment by breaking down organic matter into nutrients that enrich soil. In my opinion, there is no better New Year’s Resolution than taking steps to protect the earth. As a snail, I’ll do a better job at composting and using less single-use plastics, because it’s literally part of my biology. I also want to spend more time outdoors instead of being inside all day. This way, I will not only be taking care of the environment, but also my mental health.

Finally, the most important part of being a snail is taking things slowly. Some people might say this is a bad thing, because it will be harder to respond to the constant demands of being human, but this is not true. Our current society makes us believe that we have limited time, and we have to do everything right now. Even when we don’t have anywhere important to be, we are always in a hurry. But this really isn’t necessary at all, and often leads to burnout. This year, I will try to take things slowly by indulging in relaxing hobbies after finishing my work, and trying to incorporate mindfulness into my everyday life. Hustle culture is dead.

When you think about life as a snail in this way, it suddenly doesn’t seem so bad to become one. You don’t have to worry about me. This is exactly who I was meant to be – a tiny, wet, slow-going veggie eater. 

I hope you all can accept my new identity, but if you don’t, it’s okay. Just don’t expect me to go back to my old ways. I wish that maybe one day you will join me in becoming a snail, so you can understand the joy of being alive even more. 

You don’t necessarily have to commit to it in one day, because being a snail takes time and practice to become a habit. If all of these steps are stressful to you, don’t worry – like a snail, just take it slow.